Falling Back Together

Early one morning, I awoke sweating and shaking. I wasn’t sick but I did feel nervous. It wasn’t something I could put my finger on and I started to cry uncontrollably. I had no idea why. So I sat (something which I did very little of in life) and I asked myself “what’s wrong Janet?” I waited and waited, till I heard a response, then calmly the answer came to me, that little voice in my head said “Janet you are MISERABLE and UNHAPPY, and this is not the way to live your life anymore.” I had really forgotten what it was like to laugh, relax and just enjoy life. Somehow, I was lost in the confusion and I felt like I was in the dark with no way out. I went on about my business that day, but kept thinking how I felt earlier that morning. A few days went by and the same experience repeated itself again only much more intense. I tried to figure out what was in my mind, so I sat quietly for a few days in the morning, midday, and at night prior to going to bed, hopefully waiting to see what would reveal itself to me. I went through a host of possibilities. First, I thought it was external circumstances, for example, maybe I should move to a new area. Yeah, that’s it, I will go to another city or state. Wait, I can’t leave my children or family, how would they manage without me? Next, I thought, maybe it’s my friends yes that’s it. They are not good influences on me, so I can say goodbye to them and then meet new people. Yes that would make me feel better about me-I could then surround myself with people who are much happier and enjoying their lives better than I.
However, as I looked around my world I could not find any people who were truly happy, in any sense of the word.
“Happiness if overrated”, I thought. After all I had good friends and family who love me, a good job and a place I could call home. What the heck is wrong with this picture? Yet there was something missing. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Does this sound familiar to you? Does it seem like something is missing in your life? I was at my current occupation for about 25 years, maybe I was burning out, okay I will consider switching my career, go back to school and do something different. As I thought it through, reality crept in. I have to make an income to support myself and my family, this is not a good time to go back to school. Not a good idea.

Everything I thought and did felt wrong, my gosh how did I make so many mistakes? I even had a wave of anger come over me, so out of character for my personality I thought. So I told myself “STOP feeling angry Janet.” But at times you feel angry about sometimes and you may not know why.. but it’s wrong to feel angry! I have to stop this.. I have to feel happy. Have you ever felt like this? You feel like you are second guessing yourself. There are so many curve balls thrown to us in life some of them are happy ones and some of them are not so happy. And that’s okay. Now that I look back on the experience, I probably should have asked myself why I was feeling angry, upset or out of sorts.. and maybe, just maybe it could have opened some doors at the time.

Catching my breath..

Now as I go back and look deeply within myself, I see I was my own worst enemy, my own critic, I was allowing this critic to call the shots and I listened thinking it was the right thing to do. Somehow, my inner critic, the inner voice that we all have is telling us things that are furthest from the truth about who we are..this was my truth at the time. I allowed it to tell me: “you are not good enough or just not lovable, you’re overweight, not beautiful and insecure”, who would want you anyway? even your husband rejects you “feelings of misery, sadness, and despair took over my very being at that moment. It felt like a knife was crushing through my heart and the emotional pain was devastating. I’m sure that many times in people’s lives they may feel this way, but for me it was enough to catapult me forward to want to know why, why was I feeling this way? Oh my God where is all this coming from? I realized it was coming from a place of deep emotional pain. My intuition or as I call it my God sense was stepping up and telling me it was time for significant change, it was telling me I cannot live this way anymore or I will not emotionally and physically survive. Wow…That was enough for me to make a decision that I wanted my life to be different, much different.

I decided to venture out on a quest, a soul-searching adventure. I would stay up until exhaustion many nights; I could not sleep anyway, so I took the time to read, research and learn about what was going on inside of me. I went from the link to link, website to website, reading articles, journals, inspiring words of wisdom by many well-known individual such as Neal Donald Walsch, Louise Hay, Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, Rhonda Bryne, Marcy Shimoff and many others. When if would read and it helped to lead me to a place of peace and stillness within myself, I knew I was finding my answers piece by piece. Have you ever been on a mission that you had to find answers about something? You become determined wanting to know the reasons why something is..so you get on a mission; an intense path to find the answers. So, yes I was on my mission and I wasn’t giving up until it was satisfied.
I literally took every waking moment to feed this insatiable hunger for answers. I would not give up for anything or anyone. If it meant reading every book I could get my hands on, I would do it! I read books on self-love, spirituality, changes of life, health and wellness, psychology, energy medicine, physics, finances, and God knows what else. I even read books about how to make a lot of money, and live a life full of dreams. You name it, I picked up the book. I also traveled by myself, (truly out of my comfort zone) to listen to do inspirational speakers which would help me better understand what I was feeling inside of me. I visited sacred places, not only in person, but in books on audio tapes and in my imagination. I just had to make sense of why I was so unhappy. Over time, I slowly put the pieces of my heart back together. I took copious notes and then taped myself listening to myself reading my copious notes, oh geez, was I falling apart or as I like to think of it now… Falling back together.
When you’re thirsty you get a drink, when you’re hungry you get something to eat, but when your heart cries out for answers you take whatever measures are necessary to fill that hole of emptiness. I was on a mission, a mission of the soul.

I’ve always considered myself a person interested in learning about things, asking questions and looking into solutions, but never in my wildest dreams could I ever have imagined I would’ve reached such a point of desperation. I would literally eat, drink, and sleep this newly learned information. I finally decided following a path of self-love, not just your basic love, if there is such a thing. Unconditional love of myself..no strings attached! Have you ever asked the question of yourself do I love me? Many people do not truly know how to answer this and I did not. So it was time to take a journey on the inside.. I found this to be a bit of a frightening, God knows what will be revealed, but as I said I was on a mission so I was ready to find out, and find out I did. What deep-seated feelings and beliefs could you uncover about yourself? What with this feel like? For me this was not an easy thing to do, especially when you’re frightened of what you will find out about yourself. Have you ever had feelings like this? It’s not a fun place to be. I found out I had to literally come out from underneath the covers were I thought I was safe, and take the risk of finding out what was really wrong. What was really bothering me? My heart was not a good place at the time; I continued to cry regularly. Every seminar I listened to and everything I wrote down in my Journal brought me closer, much closer to the answers I was seeking. My heart was pouring out such emotional pain, hurt, rejection, frustration and security and anxiety and every other imaginable negative emotion. And what I truly learned is that I had found a healthy was to release this emotional baggage and truly feel better. Have you ever felt overwhelmed and did not now how to handle all of the emotions? Maybe you felt backed up against the wall or maybe lost, lost in the confusion of your own trapped emotions. I thought hiding under the shell was safe that way no one could know how I was feeling. That way I wouldn’t have to step up to what really hurt. But as I continue to travel on this journey I realize I was a living a false sense of security. I have come to realize I was doing the best I could at the time. (just like you).

Throughout my life I’ve always been the kind of person who wears her emotions on her sleeve; but this time it was totally different. everything seemed so much more intense.. so magnified that I had to take a step back, catch my breath and slowly put things back together piece by piece. I was truly unraveling the person the inner workings, the woman, and little girl inside of me. I let out so much pain I believe I dropped 50 pounds of emotional weight. Do you wonder how much emotional weight you could be carrying? Weight is not just about what we eat and how we exercise it’s also about carrying emotional weight and I can tell you from experience it is easy to put on pounds,, even if you think you are doing everything right, remember not to overlook this very important fact. On occasion I literally had to vomit to get out whatever was turning my gut inside out and fortunately this was very short-lived.

Reality Realized

However, little did I know I was now planting the seeds of growth that I would eventually cultivate and nurture the rest of my life. Somehow, I forgot all the things that were important to me, and how they made me feel. I had to remember what was real versus what wasn’t. And, I had to reflect on some tough questions. Questions like was it okay not to like myself? Was I pretending I was happy, when I really wasn’t. I believe many people do this every day to get by, do you? what are the different masks you wear to protect yourself, to hide behind the emotional pain? I challenge you to look in that mirror to see that reflection and start taking action into being who you really are- Do you realize you are deserving of happiness, joy, peace and a sense of self-fulfillment in every area of your life? Do you realize that it is your divine right to feel good and to love yourself and at peace? There are no strings attached here. please consider making a promise to yourself now knowing your so worthy of wonderful things. I had to look through the chapters of my life and the story I created for myself. Now it was time to rewrite a new story, a story that I can be proud of… A story that let me hold my head up high with love as my main emotion leaving behind all the negative stuff. When I think of all the things… I bought into about me, such misconceptions it makes me shake my head.. Now, I know much better.. Will you give yourself the gift of time, energy, commitment, and love, will you put the effort in to find out why you feel the way you do? Will you see that your truly deserve to have a wonderful life? Would now be a good time to get started? I believe it would.

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11 Responses to “Falling Back Together”

  1. Janice Hartmann Says:

    Janet,

    Your words are so endearing and true to me. I love the phrase you used, “false sense of security”… I think we all, more often than not, flood our minds with lies generated from our youth, society, religion, and perspectives of life that we don’t even comprehend at the time, yet somehow subjectively adhere to as ‘truths,’ only severing to escalte our insecurities and falsehoods of ourselves. I applaud you for facing your inner-self head on in the most honest way possible. Your life was thrust into what could have become a downward spiral of self depreciation, yet you were strong enough to realize that was not the’ truth’ -not your ‘real self’ or who you are, or what you believe in…standing strong you exposed all your vulnerabilities, which makes you one of the strongest women I know! People judge, it’s in our nature; therefore I judge you strong, independent, and smart.

    I never realized growing-up how intelligent I am. I thought of myself as’ dumb’ for a multityde of reasons, that would be a whole nother blog. 😉 You made me think and thankful for all the learning experiences I’ve had and for all those yet to come!

    Thanks for being brave enough to share your life in this way, Janet.

    All my love. Janice

    Like

  2. Colleen Tavares Says:

    Oh, Janet, I am there right now! Thank you for being so confident and brave to put these thoughts down to share.

    But first, let me congratulate you for being an author!! I’m so proud and excited for you. Wonderful!!

    Ok, I’ve been through this misery of self doubt and constantly putting myself down all before. I worked through it to the point that I wouldn’t let certain people or anybody for that matter have power over me, I was taught to believe that I was value able and loveable.
    A new environment makes a world of difference, and I became happy and hopeful and trusting and naively didn’t fear much about the future. I had such a confidence that everything would work work out for me. “What is meant to be is meant to be, God will take good care of me” , was what I said to myself if I would become worried and then I’d be okay.

    Things got better like everyone had told me, until things got worse – much worse real fast. Then, as I was trying to put myself together after a huge heartbreak for a year or so, things got tremendously worse. Now I’m feeling that what everyone had told me that was a negative prediction about my current relationship with Joao was happening. Plus, I was being sabatogged at my place of work by people I counted as my friends and then ultimately given the final blow that my husband doesn’t love me anymore – when I have a newborn and my baby Dominic is in the autism umbrella.

    I’m crying a couple of times a day again, like I had been long ago. I get panic attacks (I think) at moments when everything around me is totally calm and quiet. My chest/stomach get so tight it feels like one big long contraction that I just have to get thru. It’s when I’m driving and the kids are in the backseat, or when I’m feeding Jenny her bottle. The driving force behind this feeling now is that I do not trust myself to make good decisions for myself especially, and my children. I’m inadequate, isolated, and have a support system of my parents, sister and BFF but I also need to be there for them. My mom has been hospitalized twice for a-fib, my sisters got a family of her own and works, and my bff’s mom was diagnosed with cancer for the second time.

    Emotional weight resonates with me very well. I don’t think I’ve ever had it explained and could label it for myself until reading your chapter. I know and have been told by many close friends and coworkers that I am too hard on myself, but I honestly can’t not be, especially right now that I have two little babies to care for and provide for. Ugh, I’m terrified of working again and terrified of not working again because I don’t trust myself and am embarrassed. Even as I’m writing this, it’s 3 am and I can’t sleep bc my stomach is so tight and my body is so tense I can’t relax enough to go to the bathroom. And this is typical.

    I want to forward your chapter to a friend of mine who is a gem. She has survived a marriage and divorce due to emotional abuse, was/is in a much better place now and is now crushed again bc she was fired for being too nice!! We’ve definitely become closer sharing our situations/stories with each other – as I feel with you!
    She is also a very talented writer – honestly I think for your next book Shanna and I can provide our own testimonials!!!

    Hug! Jeanette, thank u for writing this and sharing. There is comfort in knowing that someone who I already have admired is very familiar with the messiness of life that I’m experiencing.

    Like

    • janetditroia Says:

      My heart is with you.. I truly understand your emotional pain at the most deepest levels,, the feelings of anxiety and stress you may even thinking you are worthy and deserving of great things.. (over 90% of the human beings maintain thing sabotaging limiting belief) Colleen, this was my way of living for me for soooo long sweetie.
      My words of wisdom would say: Know you are taken care by a higher power and have faith in believing that you are protected and always safe. Do you best to not let that critical voice (inside all of us) to call the shots. You are a strong, intelligent, beautiful women, and you will get through this…no matter what. See.. I believe their are specific times in life that truly challenge us to the fullest..remember.. its not about how many times you may fall.. its about the climb..It’s about the courage, the peace and perseverance to expand your soul’s journey….this is what make you grown exponentially….Keep the twinkle in your eye shining so the rest of the world can see how wonderful you are… just like I do 🙂 love you xoxo

      Like

  3. Geri Says:

    Thanks for inocudtring a little rationality into this debate.

    Like

  4. janetditroia Says:

    Thank Geri for your comment, most appeciated.

    Like

  5. King Says:

    Superior thinking deeonstratmd above. Thanks!

    Like

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